Hello Hock,
I'm new to the forum and hope my first post isn't too controversial. Let me begin by saying I in no way condone domestic violence. It is a tragedy to individuals, families and the spiritual fabric of society.
I do want to add another perspective on domestic violence which is not generally known. In talking with a friend who counsels victims of domestic violence I was told of a study conducted in a womens shelter over the course of a year. They were trying to analyze the patterns of domestic violence and how it escalated. Part way through, the individual conducting the study asked a question nobody has dared to ask before, "Who started it?" What was found was that in 80% of the cases, the woman started the arguement. What was more profound was that the woman did so with the realization that domestic violence was a real possibility / outcome.
There is another trigger that also rarely gets talked about. In terms of escalation of physical confrontation, someone has to be the first one to step across the line between verbal yelling and screaming to physical force. What I was told by my friend who is a counselor, is that many times this happens when the woman slaps or hits the man. This triggers the man who doesn't have the self control either not to hit back or to de-escalate the situation.
In reading through the script of Oprah, it was interesting that both these factors seemed to come into play (assuming that the man interviewed was being truthful in his account of what happened the day he killed his wife).
I am stating these things not to shift blame between parties or to point fingers. Yet, in the hopes of being objective and talking about self defense I believe there are some lessons here.
First, females have options and a responsibility in terms of how much the confrontation escalates. Effective self defense in this regard is teaching / learning skills of how to de-escalate arguements.
Second, there is a line between physical and verbal confrontation. Once things become physical it's a whole other ballgame. For females, the lesson is no slapping / no hitting. Once physical violence is innitiated (slapping someone is physical violence), it can be a long way back to a sane situation.
Healthy relationships are a blessing. Learn to recognize them, learn to cultivate them. These are the things worth having.
lrw
